Don't Try This at Home

My mom had started to fall out of her beloved bed and for safety, it was suggested (mandated, really) that we move her to a hospital bed. Her vocalizations at this point were minimal. She had started expressing herself more with actions and guttural noises interspersed with just a few hoarse words. However, when the hospital bed came piecemeal into her room, she made her distaste with it very clear. Pointing her fingers, her hand trembled and in low whispers, I could hear, "No,"followed by "I don't need that.." then her voice trailed off. Moving her into that bed felt cruel, the coldest, meanest thing I could ever do.

For the first two days, she constantly struggled in her weakened state to get out.She didn't seem comfortable and we tried every combination of pillow and propping. Invariably she would fall, becoming horribly tangled in the bars designed to keep her in the bed. Once, I found her trapped in the rails, her nightgown had pulled away leaving her painfully thin body exposed. Having never come upon my mother in a such a state, I paused in the doorway and averted my eyes. I realized she couldn't make the corrective moves to cover herself on her own and was at risk of hurting herself. I crossed a threshold as I crossed her room. I pulled my mom's near-naked body free from the bed rails and laid her on her real bed, untangled her nightgown---pulling it straight and smoothing the wrinkles out over her knees. Credit to mom, she had made passage back to her California King, soft in its abundant yellow down trimmings. Her eyes were wild, they seemed to be imploring me to do something. My mind imagined the things she was longing to say, the places she wanted to be. With my brothers help, we gently lifted her back into the bed. She groaned and the corners of her dry lips turned down. After my brother had left, mom was still restless, she pawed dryly at my hand and wrist, her nails longer than I remembered. "Kill me, please...kill me," she whispered lowly, roughly, discernibly. Her eyes flitted from side to side, looking back and forth at each of mine. She seemed to be scanning me for a reaction, for a look in my face that would say" Yes...okay, I will." I said nothing, just slowly shook my head from side to side. Not to say "No,"necessarily but rather, in complete disbelief of what I had just been a part of.